To the woman who had an abortion… and to the church

I was sitting at lunch yesterday, on the first day of a retreat, when my friend Nate told me Twitter was blowing up over Planned Parenthood. I didn’t think about it much at the time.

Then last night I began reading the stories. I had a lot of feelings: Anger, disappointment, disgust… Then Messenger buzzed.

It was a young mom I know really well.

She’s a great mom. And I will never forget the incredible courage it took for her to share with me that she had had an abortion, the circumstances surrounding it and the shame-filled self loathing guilt she felt everyday:

Would she ever stop grieving? Could Jesus ever really love her? Forgive her? Could she ever forgive herself? Would I think differently of her and push her away? Would the church?

That was several years ago. And in a moment it seems like all the healing, discipleship and faith building has been undone.

She had gone to a Planned Parenthood clinic to have the abortion performed.

Every angry post on Facebook, every Tweet of disgust, each news article are experienced as deep cuts of a knife to her soul. They remind her to keep believing the lies she has been working so hard with God to overcome.

She wants to hide in her shame, disconnect from others & God and not be known. Like the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4, she “knows” she is unloveable, unforgivable, and undesirable. 

She isn’t alone. I know several women who constantly battle with the ongoing shame of their abortions. I also know there are many more who suffer in their shame in silence. That is what shame does, after all.

To every woman who suffers in this shame, even more so in the wake of Planned Parenthood, I want to hold both of your hands gently in mine and look you in the eye:

You are created in the image of God. You are beautiful. Jesus loves you. In fact, Jesus couldn’t possibly love you more than he does right now. His grace is yours and I offer you mine. I do not condem or judge you. I want to know and love you, the real you – in the midst of the mess.

And others want to as well. You don’t always have to hide. You have something incredible to offer all of us – your self. I know it feels impossible, but reach out. Find someone safe to reach out to. Tell your story to someone who will listen and love. Be reminded of the incredible gift you are. 

I know it’s risky and scares you to pieces; but you don’t have to walk alone.

Church – may we remember that our anger and outrage often has the unintended consequences of pushing others away from Christ’s love and grace rather than inviting them toward it. If you know someone struggling in all this, would you share this with them? Remind them you love them?

when integrity is GRITY

So, I had one of those that moment when moments…  Yep.  It was AWESOME!

Here at Haven we have been engaged in a teaching series about loving one another well.  It has been a really fun and, at times, very powerful teaching series for us.  This past Sunday it was again my turn to teach.  I was geeked.  I love teaching.  I love this community of faith I am part of!  I love Jesus and I love what Jesus says about how we love one another.  Sunday I taught on how we love one another by having integrity with one another.

We talk about integrity often in our context – it’s one of our core values.  One way we define it is like this, “doing what I said I would do, when I said I would do it and in the manner in which it is meant to be done.”  We have integrity when we give our word and we keep our word.  We also believe we are to give our word to BIG things – like restoration, redemption and stuff like that.  We also talk about HONORING our word when we can’t or don’t keep our word.  We talk about honoring our word in the same way we talk about cleaning up a mess.  In fact, when we honor our word, that’s what we are doing. We are cleaning up a mess…

Of course, it was a ground shaking, moving teaching time that deeply impacted people who weren’t even there 🙂  That was Sunday.  On Monday evening, at 7:15, I have a coaching call every week with two amazing men who are pursuing deep levels of transformation in their lives through a process called Faithwalking (part of our discipleship process). We aren’t far into the process, but our calls have been rich and provocative as we pursue a deeper walk with Christ together.  Coaching is one of my favorite privileges!

I missed the call.  One day after teaching the congregation to love one another by keeping their word with one another, I freakin’ missed the call!  I know.  It isn’t life shattering – it was just one of many calls.  No biggie, right?  So, because I am the expert on integrity ( I’m the pastor so I must be right? ) I immediately cleaned up the mess.

Nope.  I didn’t.  When I realized I missed the call the shame voice in my head kicked in.  We all have a shame voice.  It’s the committee that meets in our heads to remind us of all our deficiencies and how bad we are.  My shame voice reminded me that if I can’t make a simple phone call not only am I not qualified to be a coach but I am certainly not qualified to be a pastor!  So in the space of nano-seconds I shifted gears to divert the blame.  I spent the next 15 to 20 minutes rehearsing in my head all the excuses I could make in order to look good and still be qualified.  I don’t get to have those 15 – 20 minutes back…

After telling the shame committee that I deeply appreciate all their hard work and insight, I also told them they could sit down in the corner and be quiet for a bit.  In the moment of silence that followed, I quickly sent a text to both of the guys I had blown off.  I owned the mess – yep, the milk all over the table and floor is mine! I also asked for a time within the next day when I could talk to them individually to clean it up.

In cleaning up the mess I asked what impact my not showing up had on them. After listening actively to each, I asked forgiveness and have recommitted myself to be fully present as their coach.

We all have areas in our lives where integrity is lacking.  Places and relationships that aren’t working to the degree they could.  We also have these shame voices that work really hard to keep us from cleaning up our messes in a way that is healthy and restorative.  It takes a lot of courage to honor our word rather than to offer up excuses.

One of the biggest gateways to my own transformation has been a willingness to quiet the shame voices enough to clean up my messes.  I haven’t gotten it right 100%.  I still blow it.  But I keep pressing forward toward the goal to which Christ calls me.

Will you clean up a mess this week?

btw, both Don and Larrie are rockstars and our conversations were filled with grace!

We Can Be Better?

I grew up in a family with three boys.  I am the middle child.  Most middle children are peacemakers.  I am not.  Those of you who know me are shocked I’m sure!  Something I remember clearly from childhood are the fights with my brothers.  Sometimes they were physical.  You know how that would work right?  My older brother would beat me up and not being able to retaliate effectively, I would beat up my younger brother.

Sometimes the fighting was with words.  We were creative users of the English language my brothers and I.  We could sling mud and insult one another as if we were a Hollywood portrayal of 17th century parliament. When we really got going, we often stopped thinking about the language we were using and THAT would get Mom’s attention.  And not in a good way.

When we used language we weren’t supposed to use, we were given the opportunity to clean our mouths – with soap.  Hard, white soap doesn’t taste good.  I don’t know about the soft soaps that smell nice from Bath & Body…

Over the last two days I have been dismayed by the Christian community’s use of language.  

I have read words from Christian leaders, many of whom I really admire, using hateful, warlike language to describe those politicians they dislike.  I have read words describing our leaders (democrats, republicans, the president, etc.) as terrorists, bullies, the enemy, the antichrist, thieves, hostage-takers, and the list goes on.

Jesus is really clear.

Jesus didn’t beat around the bush about how we are supposed to talk to and about one another.  In fact, in Matthew 5:21-22 he says, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgement.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother is subject to judgment. Again, anyon who says to his brother, ‘Raca’ (an Aramaic term of contempt) is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

Words matter.

When I choose to stay in my anger and to villainize another person, it is impossible to have meaningful dialogue.  When politicians villainize one another, it is impossible for them to have helpful dialogue enabling them to lead our nation.  When the Church villainizes others, it is impossible for us to be on mission with God.

Let me say that again, maybe a little differently.  When we, the Church, villainize others and use combative language, we are not advancing the Kingdom, the Shalom, of God.  Jesus is really clear about that.

Church, what if we walked humbly, lived missionally, loved profusely and prayed deeply?  Would we reflect more the image of Christ and his love for this world?

Lead like Christ.

Now is an opportunity like no other for the Church – to lead and live in the way of Jesus.  Be prophetic filled with love.  Speak authentically words seasoned by grace. Live courageously like Jesus joy-filled lives designed for integrity. Through the power and presence of the Spirit, be different. Lord, during these times of distrust and deep division, may we, your body & bride, be experienced differently by the world and may they see hope.

I love being right.  More than being right, however, I want to live with integrity and love.  I want to live into the design God created me for and to lovingly see the Kingdom of God reign in my world.  So, as much as I want to be right, I’m not going to call you names when you disagree with me. That way we can talk about it.